Bitter Moody Sad Bastard

     Hi, I am in recovery mode.  It was a pretty drunken night for me last night. 
     "Thank God for coffee," is about all I can say right now.
    
* * *
     Man, I really piled on the condiments on my pizza slice last night.  Some guy was watching me put tomatoes black olives, hot sauce, jalepenos, and we exchanged some words.  I was drunk and hungry, and it turned out to be an awesome piece of pizza.

     I just want to go home right now and play Clone Wars.  That sounds like a good idea.  I don't really have much to write about today like I normally do.
     Tonight is another night of Magic The Gathering coming up.

     There doesn't even seem to be much going on at the cafe today, at least nothing I care about.  Just a bunch of people that I don't know hanging out.

     It was nice to see both Matt and Marco at the bar last night for New Year's.  It was a good time.  We were all pretty hammered.

     Man, I've got nothing going on, which I guess, has always been my problem.

     I could come up with something right now, but I don't know what.

     All I want to talk about so I can sort it out for myself is my problems with low self-esteem and self-image, and how I seem to myself to be on the lowest tier of the totem pole.
     With all of my accomplishments, I just feel like a dork sometimes, and the only way I can make it through the day is to be in denial of my faults, and just continue on with my work.

     Wow, this is my 99th entry on this blog, and I don't even know what it all means.  I cranked out a lot of entries pretty damn quick, and I don't know what for.  I don't know where this blog will go, or what purpose it will serve.  Mostly, it has been an exploratory type of blog.  I guess we'll have to see what happens.

     I need somebody to talk to, but there is no one here.  Dang.  That is sad.

     The other cafe lady is here, who also works for Muddy Waters.  I love to listen to the two women have intense discussions in a language foreign to me.  It's a very warm kind of talk, the kind that a lot of Americans aren't privy to.  They don't make those kind of sounds with their language, they don't have that kind of flow, and you know what?  It is all about the flow.

     Man, I don't know what I am going to do with myself.  I have good days and bad.  I have minor set-backs all the time, and it is very difficult to get my art career going at all.  Progress is very slow.  The problem is making the art, and then getting other people to even look at it is not easy.

     It is pointless to put up bad art on the web.  Most people don't get why I would do that.  I often do that just to *uck with people.  I don't know if it does any good.

     Man, I am out of it.

     I don't know why I don't write pages of lyrics.  I guess I don't have that much interest in it, but I often think of getting on a roll with it, and taking a drive with it.  I don't know why I don't get around to it.  I don't understand a lot of things about myself.

     I just want to eat.

     It doesn't seem like I am doing my best work right now, so I don't see any point of writing more on this entry.  I feel a little down about myself, when in fact, I should feel elated and excited about life.  I guess I cold use a 'happy hug' about right now.

     Sometimes, it is just a good idea to stop.

     I am certainly not getting much in the way of inspiration coming my way.

     Yes, maybe I should just go home, and lick my wounds so I can live to fight another day.

     I lost the war today so far, but there is a battle tonight.

     There are still a lot of peripheral things on my mind, but I am going to let things stew for a while, I suppose.

     I am an odd kind of person, and not the type to impress too many people.  I guess I should work on that, and try to improve myself, working with what I got.  People with less often go farther then people with more talent who don't put the work in.

     I do have this blog which is my best friend at the cafe right now.

     I am kind of feeling a little bit alone right now.  Maybe I should just pack it up and go home.

     Of all the days, Monopoly Millionaires on facebook is shut down for maintenance.

     Maybe a Sunday afternoon nap would do me good.

     There is a Richard Serra drawing show at SFMOMA.  I suppose I should go see that, and then write about it.

     I need more money for all the things I want to do.

     I need to get my foot in the door somewhere for my career, and not just for a job.  Or, I could just sell a crapload of art, which actually sounds like it would be a lot more fun.
* * *
     "Don't be moody or sad," she said to me.  "Cheer up, raise your head up, and walk proud.  I will always be with you."
     "Okay, Elf lady from Lord of The Rings...let me know when you want to help me get a leg over."